Gratitude For The Little Things That Don't Matter Anymore

At 26, I often feel hopeless and stagnant in life. The world has become so competitive that I often fail to look at my little achievements that I once dreamed off, things that were once on my bucket list and is now a reality. Things that are taken for granted. So here is my list from the past 5 years just to make me feel better:

1. Got a master's degree  in Social Work  when I was 21 (Mind you, so many people told me I was wasting my time pursuing that degree, I was young, stupid and impractical they said!)

2. Moved out of my parent's house and lived alone - in a forest, in a village, in a developed city and survived all of it. I learned the art of packing and moving in less than an hour, practiced minimalist living by literally living out of a box for 2 years.

3. Learned to make friends with strangers and learned to ask for help (I shed my pride). It is a big thing for me because I used to be someone who would rather starve than ask my own mother if there was anything to eat.

4. Managed to get a technological detox - those low budget phones and lack of connectivity helped in keeping me away from the non stop social media updates. The urge to publish every detail of my life online is now non existent. I quit FB for good 2 years and from that I learned those friends on FB don't exist once your off FB.

5. Got a job abroad - Hell, I only wished to travel abroad but fate had it that I got a job and ended up living abroad. The experience is enlightening - how it does not matter which part of India I was from - I am just 'Indian'. Speaking English without MTI is not good enough, etc. No one cares how developed your city is, you still belong to a 3rd world nation. :/

6. Watched Karma payback people who were unjust - at work, in my personal life. I consider myself blessed to be able to watch it within such a short span of time. How much I wished justice would be served and my wish was granted.

7. Managed to survive a break up. Someone who meant the world to me decided to move on at the most unexpected time. I never thought I would move forward in life, but looking back at the years now, I did go forward and I learned to accept and deal with the pain. Most importantly, I learned to be emotionally independent.

8. Reconciled with my past. The parental favoritism, the trauma from the childhood abuses, betrayal by friends and a lot more. I am at a level where I am able to understand the reasons why people behaved the way they did to me and I am not sour about it anymore. Life will take its course and karma will do the needful.

9. Kept a promise I almost broke. Learned to separate my emotions associated with the promise and stick to my word. That promise is a source of my joy today and hopefully forever :)

10. And those regular cheap thrills - my first investment, first camera, first flight ticket, first international trip, so many firsts with my own money. Who said social work does not pay you enough to live life well, its all about budgeting.

I have come a long way from the silly kid I used to be and still have a very long way to go before I willing accept adulthood as my reality. :D

Life is never about the big things. It's those little things that once mattered the most - the milestones that indicate you are getting ahead, one step at a time.

Thank you for taking the time to read these insignificant tidbits about my life. 

Fighting a losing battle!

The hours are long, the body is in the pain, the mind is stressed....Yet I am not willing to give up on fighting this losing battle. I have chosen to fight, fight until I cannot stand up anymore. There have been many instances when I was on the verge of giving up, when I thought I lost it all, when I felt like killing myself for being such a loser. But something in me keeps telling me to fight..fight till my last breathe.

No its not a matter of me having a job, it is not a matter of money, it is not a matter of pride. It is all about justice. Somewhere, somewhere deep inside of me I believe I am this stupid superhero who will put herself through all sorts of trials just to attain justice. I cannot stand people who exploit others, who eat at the cost of another's life. There is no humanity in living at another person's expense. There is no righteousness in putting another's life at stake to save your lazy ass. How can a person exploit and instigate innocent little souls and make them hate people? Our job as adults is to nurture young minds to continue loving the world even when everything seems to be falling apart. Instead, people are busy teaching them to screw their own lives. People are teaching them to hate. People are teaching them to not care for anyone but themselves. People are bribing them with cheap pleasures while taking away from that expensive gift called life. The truth is hard to accept. Its ugly. Its dirty. Its cheap. But, its the truth.

I am a social worker. What good am I, if I cannot bring about a positive change in the place I work? What good I am if I cannot fix the mistakes that I see in front of my eyes. I did not choose this profession for money. I did not choose this profession for social pride. I did not choose this profession for anything but soul satisfaction. I chose it for the joy of putting smiles on people's face. I chose it to be able to help people fix their lives when things go wrong. I chose it so I could help people mend broken pieces of their lives. I chose it because I saw beauty in flaws. I chose it because I saw radiance in imperfection. I chose it cause I was crazy enough to believe I could be a superhero in my own way.

Somewhere in the corner of my heart, I know I am not alone in this struggle. There are many more social workers forced to give up their dreams of changing lives due to dirty work politics, due to people's selfish interests, due to insecurities of incapable bosses. I don't want to be yet another one giving up. I will fight this battle even if I am on the losing end until justice is served or until I cannot really stand anymore.

I may break down, I may cry, I am even weep in the toilet cubicle, but I will not give up. I will wipe my tears, I will pull myself together again. I will stand up with courage and I will not give up until justice is served. For I am a social worker, I will bring the change that I want to see. I will change this losing battle into victory!

If there is someone called God and if that God serves justice, I believe my battle will not go in vain! Inshallah! If God wills, so shall it be. Amen!

Home! Namma Chennai!

Home is where the heart is. To me, Chennai is home and that is where my heart is. The city that has the ability to make me fit in comfortably in any of its parts, be it a slum, a road side eatery, a beach, a mall, just anywhere! I am proud to have lived in a city which holds so much meaning to anyone who visits the place. A place that makes anyone build their life, a place where hospitality is in abundance. I do hope that someday I will return to the place I call home.

It was Chennai's (earlier known as Madras) 376th birthday yesterday. Here are some of my favourite videos that I enjoy watching when I miss Chennai. I am sure every Chennaivasi will enjoy them and for the ones who are out of Chennai, I am sure you will relate to my emotions.

Madras is Calling

Chancey Illa

The Madras Song

And my emotions resonate the last line of The Madras Song - Moota katti kelambi ponalum manasu kelambavilla!!

Losing friends in your 20s

20s is the most happening time of anyone's life. It's that period when you achieve independence, grow out of your childishness and start exploring life on your own. It is also that dreaded time of life when you lose friends. There are various reasons why this happens but there are some standard reasons why one loses friends in the 20s.

1. Priorities change
Friends who loved to party all night would have turned into workaholics. Some want to study, some want to work, some want to travel, some want to get married. Whatever the reason, as we grow older every individual is bound to start making individual choices. We are no longer teenagers who give into peer pressure. We accept the fact that different people have different interests and its OK!

2. New relationships
New relationships are beautiful, be it a boy/girlfriend, spouse or even a child. The inevitable truth is that this new relationship is going to be your friends obsession and slowly you start fading into the background. You feel happy for your friend and fade out hoping that someday you find your own obsession.

3. People move out
Work, marriage, travel adventures, there are hundreds of reasons why people move out. Initially, we try hard and stay in touch, but slowly you begin to realise your schedules do not match. You have other things to cater to and slowly fall out of that beautiful relationship.

4. Money!
The biggest evil of all times, money! You or your friend makes money and the other does not. There comes a time of need and you graciously help your friend and that is often the last friendly conversation you will ever have.

5. Unhealthy competitions 
Human emotions are complex, friends will let you down for that promotion and hike. Friends might deceive you in the name of love - cheat on you with your partner. But they say all is fair in love and war. So you just let go and move on, or stay put and take revenge, either ways you have lost yet another friend.

But the good news is, beyond all these reasons you will still have few friends that sail through all the storms with you. They will be your friends for life especially in times of need. Also, the world is a large place, you are bound to make friends with new people as old ones fade out. After all it is human nature to want companionship. So cheers to friendship! The ones that last a few days, months or even years - every friend is special at some point of your life. Cherish the beautiful days spent together :)

A tribute to all those friends I lost over the years - I am grateful for the good times we spent together irrespective of the reason why we are not in touch. 

Happy Friendship Day!

Sitting inside a locked bathroom cubicle!

The story of my life so far has evolved inside bathroom cubicles!

The most amazing place on earth, where no dares to disturb you. There can never be a question as to why you spend too much time in there. This is how, I spend most of my life in the bathroom, be at work or when I'm hanging out with friends/family. 

Using it as my private space to text special someone(s) when stuck at work 
- that way nobody gets to see the stupid smile and hilarious laughter riots I enjoy.

Crying in the bathroom
- cause I cant let people know I can be an emotional wreck. So run to the bathroom, lock that door and cry your heart out. Those four walls will keep your secrets safe :)

Contemplating on life and making major decisions. 
- I have screwed up, I have no clue how to fix my life. It does not matter. M not giving up! I will fight back!

Escaping the freezing Air-conditioning at work 
- Why on earth would anyone wear a sweater and still have the AC running? :O

Just sitting there because I need some peace and quiet from the rest of the world 
- I don't want to be a part of the happening crowd. It's me time! 

Secret nap time at work :D
- I didn't feel like working but my boss was watching me, so I decided to take a power nap in the bathroom.

It's absolutely normal to be crazy at times.

Love has no words, no barriers =)

It's Valentines Day !!

Nah... just another day at work. Or at least that's what I thought it was going to be. The day goes by and there is nothing eventful until I meet one of my kids while I was getting ready to leave office for the day. She had that guilty look on her face after the tiff we had the previous day over her misbehavior. She is not able to speak, she doesn't hear what I'm saying. She is a hearing and speech impaired child! The immediate picture that comes to one's mind will be a sorry looking young child who knows not how to survive. That's where people go wrong. The thing about people with disability is that they know how best to use the senses they have. They do not worry about what they don't have. The thought of not being 'normal' might disturb them at some point in life, but it never stops them from carrying on with their life.

So back to my special Valentine's day story. This kid decided to play a prank on me. She hides a little white roll of something in the palm of hands. Waves her hands with that hidden piece of paper rolled in her hands. Her girlfriends play along. They tell her not to show whatever it is to me. Ok, I figured so much, it was something personal and she was not going to share it with me so easily. Now, being the person responsible for these young adolescent girls, my mind races with the usually stereotypical thoughts. Maybe its a love letter that one of them got from one of their boyfriends. Maybe one of them wrote a letter to some boy. OMG! The panic button in my brain switches on. I must find out what it is. I must know what these little ones are doing behind my back. Ironically, I am a 20 something young lady, who has had her own fair share of such cheap thrills not very long ago. This little one reads my mind magically and decides to tease me a little more. She almost hands over the paper roll to me, but no, she doesn't! She decides to sprint out of my office. I chase her, I have decided to identify what mischief she has been up to. Talk about the energy these kids have at the end of the day, I ran about half a kilometer before she finally let me catch up with her. She thinks she has had enough fun and finally hands over the roll to me.

I am thoroughly surprised at how she suddenly gave in to me willingly. I take the roll and slowly open it watching her reactions at the same time. She had the same one sided mischievous smile she always gives me. I opened the roll and found a simple yet very beautiful 'heart face' painted neatly on the front. It was a Valentine's Day card! For who, I wonder? And on the inside I found written ''Happy Love Day Didi" in her child like handwriting. I was dumbstruck. No words to express my emotions. I just smiled at her vaguely for a few seconds before I grabbed her in my arms and hugged her tight. This was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. She enjoyed the attention she received from me. It was around 6 pm, she had to get back home, I had to lock my office and get back home too. She walked away, turned around, flashed her mischevieous smile again, nodded her head while shaking her fist clenched with only her index finger pointing at me. What she meant to say was 'Gotcha!' Hahaha! I did fall for her prank, only to be sweetly surprised.

My day was made. Who said Valentine's day is only for couples in love? Who said Valentine's day is boring if you are at work in a village? I just had the best Valentine moment of my life. I am pretty sure, no man can ever surprise me the way she did. Caught me unaware and showed me what love was without saying a single word.

Dedicated to the little angel who brightened up my days in that lonely little world :)

My Pet, My First Child :)

Many people find it absurd that I address my dog as my child. Considering the fact that I have found love like no other with my pet, I feel privileged to address him as my child. 

I still vividly remember the day I brought him home. He was a little abandoned puppy in a forest area. He had other siblings who were all lucky enough to be adopted. This one, the cutest of the lot, was left behind. It was 9.30 P.M. and the temperature was 12 degrees. I was well protected to handle the harsh, cold weather. My little one was yelping and shivering because of the cold, fear and loneliness. I wished I could take him home. A pet is too much of a responsibility I thought. "Just walk away", I told myself. I turned away, but then, I heard him yelp again. There were no second thoughts. I decided to follow my instincts and take him home. I searched for him under the bushes with the help of the light from my phone. He seemed petrified. I picked up the shivering little one and put him under my warm overcoat and held him close to my chest. "You don't have to worry, baby. I will take care of you!" I promised him. 

As I walked back to my forest house, people on the way were curious to know what I was holding under my overcoat. I showed them the little scared puppy. He was too frightened to have so many people looking at him. He din't understand where he was or what was going to happen. He was lost without his siblings. Having moved into the house newly, I hardly had enough of things to make a comfortable bed for him. The 'pocha' (cloth used for swabbing) was the best I could find to keep him warm. A jam container was used as his saucer for milk. He gulped the milk which I carefully mixed with equal parts of water. He had another serve before he felt satisfied. I put him in the hall and went away to my bedroom to sleep, only to realize he followed me. I decided to shift his bed near my bed. Well he was not satisfied. He wanted to sleep with my hand over him. He wanted to feel safe and secure. At first it was seemed cute but after a point, I was not comfortable. I did something that was never acceptable by my parents. I took him and put him on my bed and let him sleep near me like a baby. Considering the climate outside we were both cozy with the warmth from each others bodies. We slept like a new mother and child just happy to be with each other. 

Later that night, he was nudging me again making weird sounds. I did not understand what he wanted. I tried putting him on the floor and saw he was happy. I was too sleepy to be bothered what he was doing. Being a new mother, I dint really know what was in store. Next morning I woke up to a room full of poop and pee. "What have you done to yourself?", I thought aloud. I had to dodge my way out to the bathroom. There the little one stands and looks at me with those cute puppy eyes. "Don't look at me like that! I am angry with you! Look at what you have done.", I yelled at him. Ah! those cute puppy eyes knew how to win my heart.

Thus, began my journey into motherhood. I loved and hated it at the same time. My days started with cleaning up poop, fixing breakfast for the little one and making sure he has it. I had to adjust my timings for all the additional work I had brought upon myself. I was trying different methods to potty train him while I did the dirty job of cleaning up after him. But the joy of having him follow me to work, wait outside my office till I was done for the day and coming back home to a happy soul joyfully wagging his tail at the sight of me was priceless. To have a cuddly little pet of your own, who is ever ready to play, full of energy and with cuteness overloaded - the best one could ask for while living alone. Life was complete with my new bundle of joy!

That sad puppy face that could make me forgive instantly!

Wait and watch this space for more posts on my furry bundle of joy :)